Looking back and forward. TTOT Sept. 4, 2015

Exhausted and fighting off a headache, the idea of gratitude seems illusive. Yet, there are major things I am grateful for this week.  Still, it seems impossible to say thank you for this, without noting that there is a possibility that things won’t turn out well, or that there are extenuating circumstances. True positive attitude, it seems to me, means that we say Thank you.  That is it.  No excuses, No saying “But it could be better.”  Just thank you for what I have.  That generally is not my style.  I need to explain, to add to and to worry about what may or may not happen.  I need to complain about those around me that make my life difficult.

I also find it rather bizarre that I need to come here and explain to strangers that my life is difficult.  You might feel rather sorry for me.  I certainly feel sorry for myself.  Yet, I seem to be reminded constantly that we all have our own problems, and mine are not of the major kind.  There is a man that is in the news this week.  He is on every newspaper.  He was suppose to be taking his family to Canada from war-torn Syria.  Canada said no, so he started a dangerous trek to get his family out.  Their boat sank and his family died.  I cannot even begin to fathom this level of tragedy.  If only…if only, …if only you could go back in time, and change one thing, maybe they wouldn’t be going through this.  How many of our problems could be changed if we could go back in time and change that one thing.  And yet, what could I change today to avoid that situation tomorrow?  It is so hard to see where we are going.

Having said that, I will try to focus on the mundane thank-yous that I have.  Some are major to me. Some are not.

10) Thursday was my mother’s 89th birthday.  She has alzheimers and doesn’t really even know where she is.  The place she is at, was very nice. They put balloons on her walker.  They had a cake and made it a nice day.  I stopped by with my daughter and granddaughter. So many of the people there wanted to hold the baby.  I just could not let them do it.  You cannot trust what they will do.  One lady there is an old Chinese lady who speaks English, but has reverted to speaking Chinese. She was an Ob/Gyn doctor in her life.  She was talking endlessly to the baby. It was very cute.  I was sorry I could not understand a word she said. My parents seem to enjoy the visit.  We made it short, but I am grateful that they were able to enjoy it.  I am grateful my mom had a place that made the day nice.

dots 89th birthday kaykay and dot's 89th birthday

9) I had a job interview this week.  I think I have come to the conclusion that I don’t want the job.  Luckily, there is another job interview next week.  This would be quite the change. Going down to the preschool level.  I am not sure I want to go there, either.  At least I still have my part-time job.  Why is it so hard to be grateful to have choices.  I think we are programmed to be only grateful for that one spectacular job and not the little ones along the way.

8) I am grateful for a three day weekend, where I will have time to think about things like if I want more hours and a different job.

7) I am grateful that my son seems to be doing well.  He decided to quit drinking.  He could not get into a facility to detox apparently, because of insurance problems, and a lack of money.  I am grateful that he had a doctor that was able to give him medications for him to help him.  I am grateful that I heard from him yesterday that he is doing well.  I certainly cannot foresee the future here, but I have hope that he will get on a better path.I am grateful for his roommates that watched over him.  I think there are at least four “gratefuls” there, but I will put it all in one for this week.

6) I ran into an old friend this week, and I was complaining about all I have to deal with.  There were certainly things I didn’t want to tell her about, so concentrated on dealing with my parents that have Alzheimer and Parkinson type conditions. She told me that her husband who had been an incredibly smart physicist, now has an Alzheimer condition and keeps asking the same question over and over.  I know what she is going through, and I know she is at the beginning of a long road. I am grateful that for now that isn’t me.

5) I am grateful the weather has turned nicer and isn’t as hot. It has made sleeping slightly easier.  I am ready for much much cooler weather.  That won’t happen most likely, as I live in a warm climate, but at least I am not waking up wishing I could sleep.

4) Every day when I get in my car I am grateful it runs !  It has over 200,000 miles, and it squeaks and it makes some very strange noises, but the car runs.  It gets me where I want to go and I love this car.

3) I am grateful that my daughter is loving being a mom.  Her baby lights up when she hears her mother’s voice.  My daughter didn’t do things exactly in the “right” order, and there are things, I know she wishes she could change, but she is a good mom and she loves it.  That makes me very happy.

2) I am grateful that in spite of cheating on my diet, that I have not gained too much weight.  I have a check in tomorrow, so we shall see how it is going, but hopefully it will be ok.  I am 2 pounds away from my goal.  I sincerely doubt I lost any this week, not being able to convince myself to stay away from the treats.   I will have to be happy if I didn’t gain.  How I will convince myself to get those final two pounds off, so I can start on a new section of maintenance, will be an interesting question.

  1. Once again this week, all my numbers have been followed by a ) sign, until I get to number one and once again, I am grateful that I really don’t care that it hasn’t followed the pattern and I don’t have to figure it out.  Things aren’t perfect and that is ok

I have a lot to deal with this weekend.  The list gets longer and longer, and I dread having to deal with any of it. The foreboding is ominous. There is a saying in my religion to “turn it over to God” and yet there are things I have to deal with. Hopefully, by looking at the things that have turned out right, I can face the future.

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15 thoughts on “Looking back and forward. TTOT Sept. 4, 2015

  1. jehdld

    It sounds like your mom had a really nice birthday celebration. I work as a substitute teacher in a preschool and I happen to love working with that age group. Preschoolers are extremely sweet and forgiving but of course, they can also be a handful. I hope the perfect job will come your way.

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  2. Lisa @ The Meaning of Me

    Ah, the job dilemma…hard to know what to want or hope for and yes, sometimes i think having options makes it difficult to know what’s right. I think the answer will come. Don’t stress too much! A good problem to have – having options and the ability to turn down one of them if it isn’t the right fit.
    For what it’s worth, I can tell you for certain that the group of folks who frequent the TToT hop are not the type who would begrudge you any difficulty finding thankfulness. Life’s hard; finding the good is sometimes difficult and that can overwhelm. But that’s why we all come here – to ferret out the good. And never feel weird telling the world at large that life is tough – we’ve all done it. I’ve seen it said many times over that blogging is good and cheap therapy!
    A happy birthday to you mom – so great that she’s in a place that can make her day special and seems to care for her. Prayers and best wishes to your son as he travels his difficult road and your daughter as she parents her little one…and to all of you.

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  3. May

    Isn’t a baby a healing presence? Don’t know if it is the untapped potential, the unconditional love, or just that they are so darned cute. Doesn’t really matter. They just elevate the mood.
    Prayers for your son.

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  4. herheadache

    I get a lot of headaches and find it hard to be thankful about that.
    🙂
    Yes, having too many choices often makes us less than thankful.
    Hope your son is going to be alright.
    I am sure having your daughter’s little baby there was a nice thing for everyone of those residents, even if they did not get to hold her.

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  5. Clark Scottroger

    “…come here and explain to strangers that my life is difficult. You might feel rather sorry for me.”
    Of course, I can speak only for myself, but I liked reading this as it reminds me about the choices I have now that I did not recognize before. I’ve always had a tough time with this concept, up to and including becoming a co-host to a gratitude bloghop! But what I try to do now (that perhaps relates to what you say in the beginning of your Post) is identify with the people I read here. That means is there something in a person’s post that makes me feel like I’ve felt the same way. The circumstances, the events, the ‘facts’ are less important than the feeling. (not that I can do it everytime, but I see that it is a way that I have available now, if I chose to practice it.)
    good thought provoking post!

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  6. Vanessa D.

    Some of those job dilemmas can be downright scary – especially ones that require us to make a leap of faith.

    For me alcohol is something I enjoy at times and leave at others, for my ex-husband it was a different thing all together. I hope your son does well with his attempt to detox, I relate it to me with nicotine, and I know that giving up an addiction feels like turning your back on a familiar friend.

    As a mom who did things in ‘not the right order’ too. I sometimes have regrets, but only where it caused my boys hardships. Both of them have done and are doing fine. Even with them 20 and 24, I still love being their mom and maybe even babying them a bit!

    Life can be difficult, sometimes for far longer than you think those difficult days should last. Somehow we endure, and I adore this weekly challenge just for reminding me of the good in my life. And yes, much of my good is mundane too, but some of the best in life is the simple mundane moments of it.

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  7. dyannedillon

    I used to be in a moms group that had a weekly playgroup at a nursing home. I never went to that group anyway,but especially didn’t want to when one of the members told me her husband, who was a physician and did rounds there, told her not to let any of the residents hold their baby, because they all had poop under their fingernails. So wise move not to let anyone hold your grandbaby, for yet another reason. I’m sure it did a lot for them to enjoy her baby smiles while she was there.
    Good for your son and best of luck to him!
    It doesn’t matter if you daughter got things in the “wrong” order; what’s important is she’s a good mom, which she obviously learned from you.
    Working with preschoolers is the BEST! They are funny. They think you are REALLY REALLY smart. They also think you are an amazing artist, because you can color inside the lines. And they love to learn. Good luck with your job search; the right thing will come along.

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  8. Pat B

    I hope you feel the encouraging words from all of these readers of your blog. In one way or another we generally can relate to something that is written in a post, and can empathize in some way with the author. I certainly can relate to your remarks about your Mother and her having Alzheimer’s. I love the little words of wisdom that come out of the mouths of preschoolers, but I know that there is a lot of exuberance in a room full of preschoolers. Good luck on your job interviews. I’m glad that you are able to feel happy about how well your daughter is doing being a good Mom and that you have a good relationship with her and the baby.

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