This has not been an easy week. I have found myself on more than one occasion in tears over something small. It isn’t the small thing that gets you, but all the small things piled one another on top of each other..building a wall that seems insurmountable. How to find gratitude and thankfulness in some weeks seems overwhelming.
10) I always start with the one thing that is most in my mind. I start listing it as number 10, when I suppose it should be number 1. The one nice thing this week was my daughter telling me that she wants to be a mom just the way I was. She remembers getting off the school bus and me there to meet her with my diet coke in hand. Well, she can skip the diet coke, but she wants to be there with her baby, and that is sweet. It is nice to think she did appreciate me as a mom. Just that makes you want to tear up in happiness.
9) We had a dinner at the facility my parents are in. It was a thank you for all the people putting up with the remodeling. The dinner was nice and they had Cowboy Jack singing songs. My dad was not well and almost didn’t make it to the dinner. We got him there, although I had to feed him, as he was not able to feed himself, but he was there and he enjoyed it. At the end, my mom who has Alzheimers said “You mean we are staying here?” “Yes mom, you are staying” They have been there about a month and a half now. It is amazing how with this condition you have no idea where you are or where you should be. Sad, but I am grateful they are being taken care of.
8) My worry for my son continues. He says he has medication and is going to detox himself come Monday. I do not think this is a good idea and hopeful he will be ok. I am grateful for those around him that are helping him. Hard not to worry, and to be grateful.
7) I have another job interview on Monday for a job with benefits. It is a six hour/day job. It would be in a very difficult situation and could be a real challenge. Now I have to decide do I want to give up the three hour per day job, with no benefits and not much money for a job that may be more than I can handle. Can I handle it? What questions should I be asking? I am grateful that I have a very easy three hour per day job now, and I could just do that. The six hour per day jobs don’t come up very often, so it could be wise to take it. Gratitude for choices. I hate making decisions.
6) My husband and I are disagreeing about what to do about our living situation. It is difficult to describe. But to try and put it simply, my husband wants to move into my parents house. This cannot be done without financial difficulties. He is plowing ahead and determined to make it happen. I am not a happy camper about all this, and feeling very alone in what I think should happen. Right now, my husband has my parents house a mess and our house a mess trying to make all this happen. I hate living in a mess. Like I said, there are so many details to figure out and choices to make, and trying to figure out which way to go. Gratitude is really difficult when you feel alone. I will try and be grateful for a roof over my head.
5) The weather has put me in a terrible mood lately. I was determined today to actually turn on some air conditioning. I was gone most of the afternoon and didn’t do it. Now I am sitting here, suffering through the heat. Do I go with the cost of air conditioning? It doesn’t even work that well, and on occasion I feel a nice breeze. If I could just get that breeze going, that would be wonderful. I am grateful for the wonderful breeze. It does seem that by the time I get this place cooled down it will be time to go to sleep and my dear husband will be wanting to open the windows. Well, the decision has been made and cool air is blowing. Very very grateful.
4) There have been terrible fires up in Washington state. I don’t live there anymore, but I still love that place and I am so sad that so much has burned. Today the rain came, and for that I am grateful. It might not effect me directly, but I am still grateful.
3) Every day I have to deal with some issue with my parents. Their lack of concern for me is not surprising. Just today, my dad told me that I need to sell his car for the money. He may eventually need the money, but right now he does not. He has money to cover his care for quite awhile. He just doesn’t want the car “just sitting there.” I understand his concerns, but he is not concerned whether I need the car or not. I don’t even really want the car, as I don’t like this car, but it is a lot newer than the one I have. The one I have has about 250,000 miles on it. As one very sweet little girl put it “I have a joke. You are old and your car is old !” In this situation however, there are just tons of moments of my dad telling me what he needs. He never asks what I need. My sisters, that do not help with anything, have reminded me that when mom and dad pass that we need to split the inheritance in thirds and not get into a fight over things. That sounds so nice. I just wish we were splitting the work now in thirds. I get no help from them, and very little emotional support. I am so very hurt and feel so very alone. I think I feel worse than alone. I have talked to people that have to do this because they are the only child, but they can decide to do what they want without having someone criticize them for it. I am looking for gratitude under a rock here. I will be grateful that I am able to take care of my parents and for little girls that can make me smile with their jokes !
2) I had a wonderful crepe this morning with my long time friend. Just for that I am grateful. Two of her kids came along, so we didn’t get our usual chat time, but the crepe was good and I am grateful for the time we had. Also her son lent me a dollar for something I wanted to buy for my granddaughter. I had nine dollars in change, but it cost ten dollars. It didn’t put him out any as I am sure he gets his money from him mom, and he will get more. I will pay my friend back next week. It helped the lady that I bought from, as she needed the change. I am grateful for the time we had, even if it was short and for the wonderful food.
- So, on my grateful list, I have posted all the numbers with a “)” after them, and when I get to number one, this page automatically put it with a dot as in a column. Why ? I am grateful that I do not have to figure this out and that I can end this weeks addition of gratitude. I am reminded that there are things to be grateful for in spite of the adversity.