This week I messed up. I messed up unlike I have rarely done. And I did it multiple times. If I had ten things to do, I messed up on eight of them. It wasn’t a complete 100 percent mess up, but it was a mess up. One messed up probably made another one. None of it was catastrophic. I will recover from this. But this is not like my life use to be. I use to know that even if things didn’t go right, it wasn’t my fault. This is one hundred percent my fault. Oh, I have excuses. Plenty of excuses. I was too busy. I was too stressed. I am too tired. Things are just too much for me right now. And all of those are real. I am too busy. I am too stressed and I am too tired. I just want to get up, and go to work, and come home and go for a walk and have a normal life. I am wondering if I should confessed the things I messed up, or if I should just confessed the things I got right.
I did make it to the job fair, and even though I didn’t get a job, I don’t feel it was my fault. It isn’t my fault that I am not what they want. I really think they are missing out on someone that would be great at the job, but that is their fault. They have looked at me, and made assumptions that are not necessarily so. They have categorized me and stereotyped me and told me, that they “are going in a different direction.” They just have not given me a chance to prove myself. It is like the poem “A Dream Deferred.” by Langston Hughes.
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
Like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore–
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over–
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?
Well, this dream is not exploding..but it is more drying up like a raisin in the sun. But there is little I can do about that. I will carry on and I will do something.
I didn’t mess tomorrow up yet, and I am remembering to babysit. I will be here, and I will do a good job. I will stop what I am doing and I spend the time that is important. There will only be one thing I have to do and that will be to rock and feed and change a sweet little baby. I will live in the moment.
And then I will be back at breakneck speed. Trying to make phone calls, pay bills, do errands and make plans. I was listening to a TED speech this week. One speaker asked if we could spend ten minutes doing absolutely nothing. No making lists, no planning, no doing of anything but sitting quietly for ten minutes. Another speaker asked if we could do just one thing. Do not multi task. While he was speaking I was trying to play a game, check e-mails, and look at the news. I failed. I could not just slow down and listen to what he had to say.
So, back to my messing up this week. Tomorrow I will apologize to those I made mistakes with. I know you want to know what I did that is bothering me. I missed two appointments. One was a business appointment. One was a situation where someone had invited me to dinner, and I thought it was tomorrow, not today. I feel terrible. My husband told me he was sure it was today, and I had written down tomorrow. I didn’t slow down and listen. I will apologize profusely. I will get up more humbly tomorrow and I will carry on, but I know I have lost some respect, and I know that respect is hard to come by. I hope they can forgive. I am, after all, too tired, too busy and too stressed.